How to Stop Seeking EXTERNAL VALIDATION
Authenticity, Biochemicals & Habits to Validate Yourself
External validation can be sought from many circles: boys, friends, popularity, social media, purpose…When we are emotionally mature (nothing to do with age), we become those authoritative figures for ourselves. We no longer need the approval of others, but simply our own permission; our own blessing. This comes in meeting our fears, understanding them, and shifting our intention for doing things to an inward focus. Only then can we move in the world our own way, fully! Watch the video now.
The Nature of Seeking External Validation
We tend to seek validation from the spaces, places or people we are most insecure about. Our fears drive our motivation. This may look like “I think I'm not smart so I study hard to get the grade,” or “I think I'm not pretty so I take pictures for hours until I get the right one that gets hundreds of likes,” or “I think I’m not worthy so I need men to tell me I am.”
We all seek validation. Its nature is wanting belonging & safety. We have to meet basic physiological needs when we are children, so assuring that the caregiver or parent was well meant that we were going to survive another day. But now we have grown and our beliefs have become limited if we have simply replaced a confidence boost with a grade, an authority figure with the approval of a partner, a sense of worth with a status symbol.
The problem arises when our identity is closely tied to our circumstances – because we cannot control these. If you feel amazing when things are going “good” and awful when things are going “bad”, your resilience and strength is weak. I know because this was me. When my romantic partner– the person who is the closest to me in the world– stopped liking who I was, I realized I could be disliked by anyone and still be okay! The leverage will shift in your favor. Eventually, it becomes more painful to stay exactly where you are than it is painful to try.
The first shift to detaching from external validation is to make our intention for doing things for our own Spirit to be refined. This is how we go from attachment to becoming unconditionally loving.
Ask this question before any action you take: How does this add to my peace?
The Formula: Do You Seek External Validation?
What is your relationship to risk taking? Are you able to test the boundaries of your comfort zone? The question I want you to answer to determine the levels of safety and security is: When you think of the unknown, how do you feel?
If it freaks you out, you most likely don’t feel safe taking up space, being seen or moving your own way in the world, so you seek this regulation externally. You shrink.
Rate of Expression + Intensity of Expression = Level of Safety
If you are excited by it, you most likely enjoy dancing, bloopers, weirdness, laughing at yourself loud, and other unexpected and unplanned things because your sense of safety is grounded and stable.
Symptoms You Could Be Suffering As a Serial Validation Seeker
When we put others’ needs ahead of our own (people pleasing), don’t have healthy boundaries, aren't able to say no… it stems from an underlying theme of self-abandonment. Pedestalizing others and imagining they are high up automatically puts you down: thinking another is worthy takes away from your own worth.
In German New Medicine, this can result in debilitating bone issues, osteoporosis, MS, chronic pain, swelling, inflammation… all due not bringing curiosity around our “self-devaluation” thoughts, but rather jumping to conclusions of what this means about me. For help with your situation, apply for a Vitality Call with me. In it, we explore detachment, what your identity is wrapped up in or around; create space between your thoughts and the meaning you associate with them.
The Spirit as Self & the Ego
We tend to conflate external validation with self-worth and inherent value. I’m here to challenge this view – it isn’t about self-esteem! It is the ego that needs validation to belong: the fragmented parts, the lies and stories you tell yourself to keep wounded parts alive and only the parts of you that you want to see. Whereas the self is actually what is beneath his cloak: your wholeness, entirety and light!
I used to think that the Self and the Ego were 50/50 of me, but now I see they are 100% Spirit and the ever-shifting percentage that I see and accept about myself. It is human nature to always have a gap, however the size of the inauthentic gap is determined by our ability to be honest with ourselves about who we are, what we want and what we do that is in alignment with these.
I strongly believe that if anything external is a crutch, it will be taken from you to test your will. Life will test us, silently asking, Who are you without it?
Become Authentic by Closing the Gap
Closing the gap between who you are and who you allow others to believe you are begins with facing your beliefs. These are run by the subconscious mind, which rules 95% of what you do and how you do it. It will take concentration and will (the 5% conscious mind) to give loving attention to these. For instance, the belief that you have to perform to be loved, which many childhood’s have left imprinted on adult brains.
Instead of seeing a lack in the gap between the value you think you have and the value you’re chasing, start to see how it is perfect just as it is. I love the foundation of attraction according to Plato: “The lover is incomplete and seeks wholeness through the beloved.” Our desire for union with beauty or another person is really a desire to restore something missing in ourselves—a return to an original unity. Our nature is to seek and create harmony!
If External Validation Were About Self Worth
As a woman, it is vital to reframe what it means to be desired, chosen and cherished. Unlike men who socially have to prove their status, you are inherently worthy just by being alive because you can carry life! Women multiply what a man puts out.
As one of my favourite authors, Jon O’Donohue, put it, “to be born is to be chosen.” Imagine the biological odds of your parents meeting! About 1 in 20,000. That they would stay together long enough to conceive you. That you would be conceived at all! The odds of that specific sperm meeting that specific egg are more than 1 in 100 million! Plus, what about this happening for your parents? And their parents, and theirs? Go back just 12 generations, and over 4,000 ancestors whose every interaction, health decision, and reproductive timing had to happen just right for you to exist!
Some philosophers and mathematicians, like Dr. Ali Binazir, have calculated the odds of you being born as: 1 in 10^2,685,000 (That's 10 followed by 2.7 million zeros.) That number is so unimaginably small, it's practically zero in mathematical terms – yet here you are!
You Are The Sum Of Your Decisions…
…so why do you let others make them for you?
If others’ approval leads to my choices, I am unfulfilled. Making better decisions is one of our greatest tools. If I am not happy with the choices I am making, there is no way I am happy with the life I am living. Self-doubt is the opposite of ownership: to move confidently in every decision without looking back.
This is why I remind you in my videos that today is the first, last only and best day of your entire life! Knowing this, ask yourself today: How would I act? Who would I be? What would I do? Shift your focus to the present rather than the past or future. Long term, this is the vision of coaching over the rumination therapy.
I recommend you listen to those closest to you who have your best interests at heart because they’re able to see your blind spots (that space that will close the inauthentic gap we mentioned) if you take on the information they’re sharing. This is also what having a coach can do for you!
Biochemicals & Habits to Validate Yourself
This is what is happening on a biochemical level. For people who grew up feeling unseen, overly criticized, or praised only when performing well, these chemicals train the brain to depend on external cues to feel good, safe, or worthy. Over time, this can form the root of people-pleasing, perfectionism, or chronic low self-worth. These chemicals can be sourced in a healthy way by focusing on what you can control: internal validation and worth sourced from within.
1. Dopamine – Motivation, Reward, and Progress
Unhealthy source: External praise, likes, people-pleasing. This can create a feedback loop, especially on social media or in relationships, where you chase compliments, or praise.
Healthy source: Internal milestones, creativity, and progress
Ways to source it healthily:
Set small achievable goals (e.g. journaling for 5 mins, going for a walk)
Celebrate tiny wins daily (“I showed up for myself today!”)
Engage in creative activities (art, dance, writing)
Use visual tracking (habit trackers, checklists) to see progress
2. Oxytocin – Connection, Bonding, and Safety
Unhealthy source: Seeking closeness by overgiving or performing. Makes external approval feel essential for connection, especially in those with anxious attachment.
Healthy source: Authentic intimacy and self-nurturing
Ways to source it healthily:
It is essential to have conversations with yourself about your feelings rather than friends! Learn to self-regulate. Say the things to yourself you want someone else to.
Self-touch like placing your hand on your heart or hugging yourself
Spiritual connection through prayer, meditation, or nature
Spend time with pets
Practice vulnerability in safe spaces (women’s circles, journaling)
3. Serotonin – Confidence, Self-Worth, and Mood Balance
Unhealthy source: Social status, validation, control. Lack of validation can lead to drops in serotonin, contributing to insecurity or social anxiety.
Healthy source: Self-trust, alignment, and sovereignty
Ways to source it healthily:
Daily gratitude practice (especially for yourself)
Affirmations tied to truth, not fantasy (e.g. “I am safe being myself.”)
Sunlight & exercise (both boost serotonin naturally)
Reflect on personal growth milestones—how far you’ve come
Make decisions from integrity, not fear or approval
4. Endorphins – Relief, Joy, and Emotional Release
Unhealthy source: Overworking, toxic humor, numbing. Reinforces positive emotional association with external validation.
Healthy source: Joyful movement, laughter, emotional aliveness
Ways to source it healthily:
Dance freely to music you love
Laughter by watching something funny or being with friends
Crying— emotional release counts!
Do something playful or spontaneous
Stretching or light exercise like yoga
Integration Practice
Each day, ask:
Where did I show up for myself? (Dopamine)
How can I give myself kindness and connection right now? (Oxytocin)
What do I appreciate about myself today? (Serotonin)
What can I do to move or express joy today? (Endorphins)
So confrontation scares you because you don’t want it to mean you’re insignificant. What would happen if I’m questioned? How will I defend my position? You want an answer to come out of your mouth without stammering and looking to others for answers.
What drives the narrative of fear and lack is the knowledge that we will die. “If I go down this path, am I going to die??” is playing at the back of all our minds. Invert this. Know that we will all die one day, and we don;t know when that day will be! Hence why I welcome you with “first, last, only and best day of your life!” There is presence in acknowledging that we are owed nothing and we aren’t to take now for granted.
Share this article with a friend you know needs it! And if you want personal help with this, apply for virtue coaching with me.